Who am I, then?

Photos by Melissa Mecourek

The life of the caterpillar and its miraculous reorganization into the life of a butterfly keeps surfacing in my experience of the Collective Consciousness, of late. Put on top of that the US Easter holiday (you know the story of death, rebirth and self actualization of the I Am in all of us, that leads to Ascension in one form or another.) Then add the recent challenge, from a loving cheerleader in my life, to use the questioning mantra of Who am I? and you get the following story.

The metamorphosis began, exactly one and a half years ago. After making a commitment and investing in the work to uncover my true heart's desires for my life (peeling back the layers of my socially fit self, to discover my wild heart) I found myself standing in the middle of a life that I no longer recognized as my own asking, "If this is not me, then who am I?"  Not knowing what to do, only knowing who I was no longer willing to be, I stopped moving, mid-stream. I stood stock still and began ridding myself of all the stuff that I had used to answer that question up until that point. All that I carried around to give myself definition. From my material belongings, my home, my business, my relationships, my routines to even my memory holders (all my journals, photographs and keepsakes.) This involved lots of goodbyes, lots of tears, some truly terrifying moments and the purging flames of some actual fires. Then... there I was, in a state of willing surrender to not knowing the answer to that question, for the first time in my life. Raw, open and oh, so curious.

I am, as a statement began to hold some real meaning for me. I began to understand what it can mean outside of the intellect, outside of words. To know this was to know that I am a perfect representation of whatever I truly desire myself to be. And here I had spent a bunch of  time and money discovering what that actually was. It appeared that this was my moment! As the caterpillar's life confirms, to birth a brand new self takes the same creative energy that birthed our very solar system. It comes in stages, it takes some effort. There is a whole other life to be rendered in that time between. A chrysalis is its very own being, too. To become the physical representation of my heart's desire was going to take some action and some time. And so, the silk spinning began. Curiouser and curiouser...

I must say that the cocoon I created was so, very lovely. It included many qualities of life that I have always wanted. Things that will continue to define some of who I am, on into the future. Experiences to remind me that all of my needs are abundantly met. That there is always enough love, enough food, enough time and enough energy. I created a home filled with loving support for my journey. A neighborhood where I my neighbors expected my knock at the most unexpected moments. Total freedom to just be myself. A gestation period that suited my needs, first and foremost, and that, in a most magical way, fit very well for my supporters too. Warm, comforting, safe and secure like you would imagine a cocoon would need to be. Felt fabulous and still, as with all things, this leg of the journey was to come to an end.

As I was beginning to perceive my cocoon as being cramped and uncomfortable many outward signs confirmed this truth. Things started to come my way that were encouraging me to emerge. As my birthday approached and I launched this blog I was sure that this was the time. Once again this created some life upheaval. (Not nearly as scary or dramatic as the first time.) Relationships changed, new ones appeared, the focus on my goal (emergence) sharpened in such a way to move all else to the edges, my home began to transition. I was reminded that a re-birthing is damn hard work.

Much to any laboring individuals delight, the tension of creation, is always followed by blissful tears of joy. Orgasmic ecstasy. That's what the past few weeks have been all about. The most heartfelt expression of love I have ever known. Its what I have always wanted. To love me enough that there would be an unending well of it to share. Its not just a good time, its like a party with the Infinite. (No wonder my all time favorite mystics, Rumi, Hafiz, Lala were all so deliriously high all the time.) And, just like partying like the rock star you truly are, it can really blow you out!

I have been slowly getting my legs again. Still, the most amazing part, the part that has me exclaiming "Holy Shit!" quite often, are the Wings! I find their most beautiful aspect to be their mundane quality, just a part of this new being-ness. So incredibly complex in engineering resulting in such gracefully simple action. They seem to be able to take me wherever it is I want to go these days with unnerving ease.

So, here I am... and just like Alice, I am oh so much muchier than before. Getting to answer this question over and over again, is sure to continue to be one hell of an adventure! Hope I get to share with more and more of you along the way.

One of the many happy synchronicities along this journey was meeting a truly connected Goddess named Melissa who has become a friend, teacher and peer. One of her gifts to our world is her commitment to helping others, male and female alike, connect to their true self, their I am, through the gift of their own body in all its human glory. The photos included in this post come from her Full Embodiment project that she so graciously allowed me to sit for. To see the other photos in my own series and all the other beautiful butterflies I have the honor to be counted among go to http://fullembodiment.livejournal.com