I have been Single all of my life.
I can say this though I am, in fact, a divorcee and have had several long term relationships (one of which, lasted most of seven years.)
You may ask then, how is it I can claim the status of the eternally single female?
Well, there are some things to consider.
First, I was married by law, at the ripe old age of nineteen. I was physically bound in that agreement for two years and then legally bound by that agreement for two more years after our separation.
Why, you might ask, did I do this thing? (Seeing as I have a good head on my shoulders and all...)
Well, I could tell you the minute details of my childhood and the leaving of the family of my origins and all the ways that this proved to shape who I am, but that is a whole other story.
It suffices to say, for now, that this was a choice I made.
I will admit that as far as being a wife was concerned my subconscious was having a very intense argument with the rest of me at the time. Some obvious indications of this were:
I "accidentally" kept my last name through an "oversight" in filling out the marriage license.
I didn't know a lot of things about my would be husband... things that would later prove to be important in the realm of attaching your life to another being.
I, at some point, realized that doing things that I had always imagined it would be adult to do (like getting married) did not actually make me an adult.
I also realized that the trappings of adulthood (i.e. having the child, the house, the career) didn't have within them the "being" of adulthood either.
Once I left the reality mentioned above I did not waltz on into adulthood (or wifehood for that matter) with a wave of my fairy godmother's magic wand. No, there was ever so much more learning to do on the subject.
Off I went into the land of dating and romance in modern America. (A land without rules or structure that is floundering to claim the Responsibility inherent to its Freedom.) The adventure that ensued is one of the best things that has ever happened to this lady.
First, I had a lot of sex. Not just a little. I had as much as I dared.
(Having sex with someone you seem to enjoy the company of has become one definition of what we call "dating" in the land of the Single Young Adult.)
So, this is what I did. If I enjoyed your company and I had, even a remote, attraction to you on any level we could have sex and see if that's what the whole attraction thing was all about.
Sounds alright. (I mean, I am a child of the sexual revolution, am I not?)
There was a hitch, a slight snag, a problem. This easy going, laissez-faire attitude, while quite honest (I am still very easy going in many ways when it comes to sexual encounters) had a not so easy and painful reality traveling right along side of it.
My heart, it appears, was in a box. This box was strong, beautiful, mysterious and very, very useful.
It attracted curious treasure hunters while simultaneously keeping me safe from taking on more than I could handle in the depths of intimacy.
It was both my shiny object (my bit of bling) and my savior (my solace.)
Only thing is, I still had a Heart (be it in a box or not.) I still desired friendship, companionship, closeness. I was still Human. I wanted to feel Love, just like everybody else.
So, while I had plenty of relationships (the Heart part) I treated them poorly (the box part.)
I made messes, all kinds of messes, in every area of my life. I allowed (more like asked) myself to be treated unkindly and I treated others with an unconscious, though calculated, chilliness at all times.
There were nasty incidences. There was crazy drama. There were, of course, some fun occasions too. Over all though (at the Heart of it,) I was miserable.
Here I will pause to say, I am sure you all know what I am talking about.
Being miserable is relative. Your miserable and my miserable may not contain the same elements and yet once you overcome miserable you can then admit that you were. You can also see it in the world around you in ways you were once blind to. And being miserable just sucks.
We want to wake up refreshed, energized and looking forward to whatever lays ahead. That is how we would all like to greet our days in this life.
With my Heart in a Box, I greeted my mornings with a (sometimes audible) "oh, shit."
This is not what I consider the good life.
Putting out fires, struggling through relationship friction and attempting to juggle my efforts towards my dreams. Not the life I had in mind.
What happened next?
Give me a couple more days...
Davey Jones Chest Photo Credit
