This Heart Shaped Box, beautiful as it was, would just never do. Of this I was certain.
I found what appeared to be a quiet way through which to bust it open and cast it aside. (More on my methods later.) Little did I know that this quiet manner would be anything but gentle in its fall out. Nor did I realize that it would bring me face to face with my own shadows in such a wild manner.
Through the process I started pulling apart the tangled mess that was my life of relationships. (Be they romantic, platonic, friendships or "complicated.") There was a lot of crap gumming up the whole operation.
First things first, figure out who's crap is who's. The only things I was willing to work with were the things I had some power to change. Turns out, this would only be my crap, in the end.
Oh boy, this can be an ugly, humbling and liberating (in the long run) thing to do for yourself. Look in the mirror and see what you've been giving the world to work with.
In terms of my love life, this process was terrifying and honestly the picture was bleak.
I have said, without any obvious hesitation mind you, my entire life that yes, I want to be married and yes, I want to have children... eventually. (Its that whole "... eventually" part that should have been a sign.)
The history of being Female has culminated in, what for my generation of women is a severe conflict of the heart, mind and body when it comes to partnership, marriage and the difference between dependence and interdependence.
We were handed a legacy around relationships that confused the hell out of us.
Our unhappily divorced mothers, aunts and friends wanted to save us pain through advice such as, "Be sure and take care of yourself first, be a capable independent woman. Then think about romance."
Our older, perennially single friends were bemoaning the lack of a man in their life while their actions belied their true intentions. (Staying in and watching Sex in the City with your gal pals, talking to your cat in a dirty apartment and working long hours at a job you hate does not generally lead to much opportunity for romance.)
Meanwhile, not many voices were talking about how to be a woman who gets what she wants, including the loving relationship of her dreams.
Instead, we've received a lot of advice on what to do to have some of the things "adult" women might enjoy.
And nearly zero voices were putting their two cents in on what marriage and being a wife has to do with any of it.
I did have one voice, very close and very clear, that gave me some pertinent clues in solving this mystery. That voice was my Mama's (see photo above.) She and my father have been married over 45 years and are quite happy last I checked. These were the most important things she shared...
- Being an adult is not an event, its something that takes place over time.
- Life is not a race (what are you so in a hurry to get to anyway, death?)
- Your sex is a precious commodity in every way. (And this goes way beyond sexual acts, I believe her line was "Why buy the cow if you're gettin' the milk for free?)
- Relationships (and sex, if its that kind of relationship) only get better with time. Believe it and allow for it.
- Oh ya, and let's not forget that its all supposed to be fun, a really good time.
Those are the points I remember, anyway.
When I looked in the mirror and saw what I had been giving out I sure had made a mockery of the above core beliefs. (What else are parents for, if not to plant some seeds that eventually, though the route may be rough and rocky, bloom into some sort of universal wisdom through their wise ass kids.)
I tell you what, the "change whatever you have the power to change" thing has worked wonders since I started openly going for. Especially, since I started to talking to all of you here on A Goddess in Love.
I have found Love, Joy and real clarity on my personal potential for marital bliss. Tell you all about it in a couple more days...
