The Douchebag Dilemma

I have a mother that was very direct about a certain number of things. One of these is acceptance of all bodily experiences - as they are.

Natural child birth practices, breast feeding in public and keeping at least some body hair had her vocal support.

One thing I remember her telling me was, “Don’t ever put anything near (or in you) that tries to smell like something it isn’t. However you smell is exactly how you are supposed to smell.”

The feminine products aisle (AKA ‘Hygiene’) got very little love from her.

I have to say that given time and experience I agree with her thoroughly. The smell of powdery fake flowers that wafts from that place makes me gag, to say the least.

Only I am certain that without much experience, specifically in the available brands of douches, I may have missed a very important lesson that I am now learning.

First of all, I had no concept of the number of styles, scents and packages they came in!

And just like my blindness to the stunning array available from the pharmacy shelf I've been dangerously ignorant of the vast variety available in the douchebag men of the world.

Wall O'Douche by litlnemo
July 11, 2010 Seattle WA

There’s the Spiritually Seeking Douchebag, the My Life is Against Me Douchebag, the Mr. Over Compensating for Something Douchebag, the My Mother Betrayed Me So I Have Reason to Hate You All Douchebag, the Emotionally Stunted Only You Can Save Me Douchebag.

It’s finally hit me that if I am ever to rid my life of these, and the innumerable others that qualify, I must be comfortable calling a spade, a spade.

I must admit that I have known them, I have let them know me and for that, I am completely responsible.

The Douchebag Distinction

What, we may ask, makes a douchebag a douchebag?

First we must admit it ladies, some of us ‘like’ them. 


(Fabulous men the world over will attest to this fact as they watch their mothers, sisters, friends and would be lovers fall all over themselves for an opportunity to be the warm place they stick it.)

And if you know any, it is how they show up for you that matters.


If things worked any other way, they wouldn’t even exist for you.

So, in my research I have found the following douchebag experience to be true:

• They are generally ‘attractive’ – at least one can see how they could be, to someone
• When you meet them you are wondering what’s going on in there, you find yourself curious
• Somehow their behavior and story - no matter how dead beat, no good, lousy and low life it is - elicits a bottom-lip-protruding ‘poor baby’ response from you
• You may not like them... at first. (They wear you down like a crying puppy.)
• They have a ridiculously large number of female ‘friends’ that you are suspicious that they have, are or will be sleeping with at some point (And for this intuitive hit they attempt to make you feel silly, childish, less evolved.)
• You somehow know that you better be a 'useful' addition to their life and as the definition of ‘useful’ morphs you work overtime to keep up
• You are always picking up the tab, in more ways than one
• When you express discomfort with any of the above somehow the tables turn, their feelings trump yours and you find yourself apologizing (perhaps later wondering WTF!?!)

It is always ALL about them. Even when you think it might be about you, in the end, it’s all about them and all they do for you. 


You should just be grateful.


Sufficiently grateful yet?

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     That Not So Fresh Feeling

So what’s a gal to do?

I recently had to ask myself this question as I attracted a couple of absurdly douchebaggy dudes into my life over the last year. 

Not that I hadn’t known any before. These guys just stood out as exceptional when compared to the amazing Men I have surrounding me of late.

Increasing my confusion was the fact that these guys were not consistent members of my community. They were ‘friends’ that would pop up with what appeared to be random infrequency.

A phone call or instant message would come in from them. A couple of times things came my way I thought they might enjoy, so I got in touch.

I started to notice the above list of qualities was appearing in our even distant relating and still, I wasn’t sure what to make of it. 


Damn that curiosity part.

Then last month, by some cosmic not-so-funny-joke, we all ended up in the same city round the same time.

This is when I came to understand. 


I found myself feeling powerless in a way I thought I was incapable of feeling anymore.

Angry that I didn’t kick them in the nuts or out of my moving vehicle in response to their douchebagginess one thing I did manage to do was supply some support for the women they were running full court press on.

I usually stay out of this sort of thing. You know, let the chips fall where they may because it’s none of my business.

Not this time.

I carefully placed them under the wheels of the bus, ran them over, then threw that bus in reverse and did it again.

And again.

I have to tell you – it felt really, really good.

Yet I had to ask, what frequency did their existence in my reality point to? 


Question:


What was I putting out in order to attract this type of guy, even as an acquaintance?

Answer:


‘Don’t hate the playa/hate the game.’


(I my search for voices of reason in this world and Ice-T answers with an alarming frequency.)


When I applied this sage advice to my situation I found out something very interesting about myself.

Before I tell you about that though, I want to know your DB horror stories.

If you know one, if you are one, if you are scared you might be one, please share below.

I promise to listen.

But I must warn you, even if you smell like a rain fresh morning, do not be surprised if I kick you in the virtual nuts.

By almostjaded Jan. 19, 2009